welcome to the wordwall. this is the page for me to just ramble on and on and on. formatting grammatical and punctuation styles are kept a low priority here.
sorry in advance. why do i feel like a fake version of myself? i just feel like im not me. something isnt right in my head and i dont know what it is. i know i have anxiety and depression but i dont know what else is up there that is gonna just contribute to this mess. im so terrified of the past but im also fearful of the future. i have the best grades possible yet i dont know what i want to do in school and i know every1 says its normal but i worry about it so much. and i just cant even imagine it anymore. i dont see myself getting out of high school or out of this pit ive dug myself. i dont want to be a waste yet i know im wasting everyones time and energy being such a useless little shit. i dont know what i want to do or where i want to go and i feel so trapped. living in a small town is such a pain because theres nobody new i can meet or anywhere i can go. theres two big towns by me but thats basically a daytrip just to get there. i wish someone would love me because i cant love myself. i thought i had it, but i dont feel anger towards her. its my fault. its always my fault. everything is my fault. maybe thats contributed to my problems but i dont know anymore. i had a therapy session yesterday and i think i convinced her that i have anxiety which i do but i struggle so hard to phrase anything that i dont think she believed me and thought it was just normal teen anxiety but i know its more and its worse. sometimes i think i have some other problems but i dont want to guess and be wrong so i wont guess and ill just live with being whateverthefuck i am. its hard to believe im a senior in high school cus when i was in 9th i couldnt see myself here. i got so close to just going last year and im glad i didnt but at the same time im not glad i didnt and sometimes i still really want to do what i was going to do in the first place. i think people are scared of me because of how i look. im tall and wear paramilitary clothes. i wear boots and cargo pants and other garb. i think being scary is my way of being manly because i know im not manly. im a emotional mess and my close friends know it real hard. i dont know how they can be friends with me because everyone else hates me and maybe they hate me too. i cant trust anyone with anything because i have really big trust and seperation anxiety issues and once those have been violated which they have i just clam up and keep it all in and thats what this site is for but im afraid that someone i know irl will find it and get concerned but theres nothing to worry over because im not worth worrying over. like i can understand but please worry about something worth worrying about and not me. i really wish i had someome to love me. i want to be loved. i want to feel of use to someone. i feel so useless right now. hell my biggest accomplisment this month is something i cant even mention because of the topic and the whole rabbithole itll lead me down if i talk about it but yet i feel myself walking the same road i walked a year and a half ago and that scares me because a year ago today i was so so close to giving up on myself and just going out and doing it. but i didnt. and now im thinking about it again because what else am i supposed to do. music is so therapudic for me like i have tinnitus so i have to listen to something and something about a song i like is just so nice except when something shit comes on like anything from twenty one pilots or anything else i hate and i have this playlist full of songs i like that i listen to and i mainly love radiohead because theyre just super good at what they do and i know people meme about it a lot but i really really like them and one of my other friends does too and i just also want to say that i really wish i never felt anything ever. sometimes i dont and thats okay but when i feel something as a direct response its just something that tears me apart. i know its human to feel things but i just dont want to feel anything. for some reason my brain feels clear but i know theres something still wrong up there. i really hate myself. i weigh too much and im too broad and my face is ugly and so is everything ele about me and i just wish i was able to change what i wanted to so i could be happy but i know i cant and i fucking hate that. i really hate how logical i am. i overthink literally everything and have to know and understand everything even the things i dont like how i dont know whats wrong in my head since of my logicallity i have to know buti dont so i start guessing and that gets me in a heap of other trouble and i just dont want to be me i want to be carefree and laid back and just chill but no i have to be me with my sucky personality that i hate. im in this weird limbo state between feeling like the bottom of the barrel and happy and its really weird cus i keep thinking bad things yet my brain feels so clear. its a sensory overload and its overwhelming. this always happens at night. my brain goes into overdrive and it starts whirring with the dumbest shit it can think of. i think so illogically at night and thats whats scary cus i always think of giving up ony mself and ending it yet i dont and persevere. i worry that one night itll all go south and ill end up gone forever when in reality thats just temporary and i dont want to but yet i do and i just want to go to whatever is over there and just relax and not worry. i want to float in the eternal blackness or do whatever there is to do after life. i dont know whats after and that scares me and i dont understand how people can believe religion because i know its just a load of shit and ive seen more than enough proof for that but yet people believe it anyway and will even die for it and thats whats the most dumbfounding thing for me anyway i think thats it for today again im sorry and goodbye. my head is pounding so bad. i havent had headaches like these for months. its like my brain is just pounding on my skull and it hurts a fuckton and i really want it to stop and just take some pain killers but i built up a tolerance to them so they dont work anymore so i have to stop taking them for a while so they have a kick again. i want to destroy my limbs and just cover them. i know i shouldnt but i bought what i need last night and im just waiting for the right moment to strike. i know i shouldnt and yet it drives me. i want to just go and float forever in some infinite darkenss where i dont have to worry about the shit going on in this world. i dont want to live with all the lies and all the bullshit that i have to live with. living with this makes me so anxious. anxiety drives me. it controls my being and my mind. i want to get meds for that too but i have to either be 18 or be willing to get hooked on drugs that are really bad for you and are hard to come off of and i dont want to do that so i think im just gonna buy edibles instead because at least then ill get some enjoyment out of it. i really just want something to take me off what i have to deal with and i know thats not the best option but nobody understands the situation im in. i have to be of age to do anything and i want to feel good. i cant tell you the last time i felt good. maybe in may or june. ive just felt like a shell of myself since. i really just want to feel happy for once and if i have to get high to do it im not scared to. i can get access to more than that thorugh a friend of mine but im scared to ask him in case he tells anyone or something and i just have to get closer with him first because he and i were really good friends and then i fucked everything up and ruined my friendship just like how i ruin everything i have thats good for me. always have always will. i ruin myself. i need to stop eating so much. i skip lunch everyday at school yet at work go to get food from the grocery store and i need to stop myself from doing that cus i feel like im gonna become some fat fuck and i dont want to do that. i want to limit to one meal a day, maybe two. its breakfast and then nothing. if i get sick and puke ill live with it. i want to be perfect and i want control of this body. i want what i want and im gonna get what i want goddamnit. i know i talk about not wanting to be special or anything but i just wish i was special to someone. i want to be loved. i was for a little, but of course. i. had. to. fuck. the. whole. thing. up. sometimes because of that i really just want to go and end it. i think about it almost daily. going to where i planned with a shotgun and just taking care of everything. ppl say its the cowards way out but it really isnt because theyrre being brave and are willing to do it to get out of something. that saying is a load of shit. in short, stop saying that. goodnight. sometimes i feel like im really alone in this world. i have half a dozen friends and all of them are with me out of pity because i know everyone is truly against me and nobody really thinks of me more than some fucking freak with a mental problem and mommy issues. its not my fucking fault cus i moved here against my will and i was hated from day one and i fuckin know it. lately ive just been listening to songs with a lot of dreampop elements like beach house and slowdive and they really put me into the state of mind i want to be in. i dont think things will ever get better and i fucking try but nothing ever works and i always make it goddamn worse for myself. i want to destroy my body and make myself pay for feeling this. i want to cut one inch at a time and just make myself feel something. i want to burn myself in the shower. i want to scratch myself until the skin breaks. i dont deserve this body. its hideous. every part of it is awful. i cant smile anymore. i have nothing left to lose anymore. fuckin sucks im not eightteen yet. the edibles helped but they gave me a side effect i wasnt expecting and that was to feel nothing. i was hoping to feel happy but in a way i dont and im just numb and worthless like i was before. ive been bodged. you fuckin did this to me and you know it. i fucking tried. i changed and worked and all, but no. i wasnt fucking good enough. maybe its your fault. maybe i didnt do anything wrong. two people with mental issues isnt a good pairing and i think you caused a lot of it yourself and then you go and get with some other fucker whose just gonna rape you cus thats what people do in your god damn town. i wish you realized how much i cared for you before you thought i didnt and left. i did. i put everything into you and you ripped it out of me like how you did before. you didnt care. i fuckin knew it. god. i dont want to hate you. i really dont. but youre forcing my hand. open your god damn eyes. i wish i was this age in 2011. i wish i could go to the mall and talk on facebook and do all those things. i always see myself in the past because thats where things were nice. not this bullshit where im not even allowed to be myself. i hate living here. its too small. i applied for a college where i can live in a huge place and i hope that works out despite my parents being very against it but you know what fuck that because religion is a fucking lie and nobody should believe that bullshit. do i talk about the same things too much because i feel like i do but i think theyre all just traumatic experiences ive had. im one fucked up kid. ive seen and experienced shit you dont even want to believe. and believe me, thats just the surface. im a fucking loser and i know it. nobody needs to rub it in. i know okay. im gonna get myself super wasted because i have no point in feeling like this. goodnight. so like i know i'm trying to be better but i need to be skinnier and i cant be because theres too many negative people trying to push me down the wrong path but i know theres some i can trust like my prom group because they wont force it but when my parents get all up in my face about being skinny what am i supposed to say? i know they want the best for me but being so confrontational has just led me to learn to lie. a lot. i can lie to get myself out of everything no matter how absurd it is. both of my concerts i lied and they believed me. dont get me wrong i feel like shit lying to them but i have to in order to be happy. same thing with the beer and the vapes. i need them to survive. i know you wont understand but the last time i told you anything you freaked the fuck out and i got in a shitload of trouble so sorry for you but ive learned my lesson and i wont let it happen again. i really wish my life was different, if i was in the haven where i could live and have everything my way. hey live to party, i hope you get hit by a fucking bus. you know what youre doing. manipulating a minor into having sex with you is creepy as all hell and you fucking know its wrong. taking care of you myself would be my ideal solution but being here i have no choice but to hope. fucker i despise you. i want to spoon out your god damn eyeballs and feed them to you. you dont deserve what you have and you know it. fucking done with school i have no motivation whatssoever and i still have to do so much shit that i dont give one flying fuck about!! woop de fucking do somebody kill me please i really hate it here this place is too small and theres nothing to do and barely anyone interesting college was supposed to be my refuge but thanks to fucking russia inflation i cant move out like i wanted and now im trapped in this godforsaken hellhole where i hate everyone here and every time someone talks to me i dont like i just want to die. i made a playlist for all the rap and rock id listen to and i havent listened to anything else in the last few days but i dont even care anymore i just want to be free. god i hope you see this because then youll know what you caused. you did this to me. you know what you did and i know you have no shame. but look. i'm losing my god damn mind and its all ur fault. i hope youre happy being the bitch that i knew you to be before you manipulated me like a fool. i know better than that now and i see through everything wether i want to or not. i dont deserve this world. everything is made by someone who cares about what they do and im sitting here trying not to get blackout drunk because nothing matters anymore. people are passionate for what they do and i have no passion for anything. ive tried everything i can do in all sorts of fields and nothing clicks. i wont be able to find something i want and ill end up going down in a blaze of glory just like you didnt want to happen. well guess what? i dont care anymore and it's infiltrating everything i do. its inevitable. live to party i want to beat the everliving fuck out of you skins style. i miss that show. i want to watch it sometimes but the anxiety i get from the saviors traumatic forcing of it means i just cant anymore. i cant watch anything. i cant even cry or feel any other emotion other than loathing. i dont feel anything ever and i wish that'd change but oh well were stuck where we are and youre gonna have to fucking deal with it until i can rip you apart myself. youre a pedophillic manipulator of a fuckwad and i know youre going to rot in hell for what youre doing, and if not, i'll make sure you get there myself. im so worried about the future but at the same time i know that i wont have to worry because there's always a plan two and its there if i need it and i know i can afford it all i need is the willpower because i feel like theres nothing left to lose. 99% of my friends are fake and theres no hiding that. they wont talk to me unless i talk to them and the other half of the time theyre pretending like they like me when i know they fucking hate me and you know what i hate you too especially you two who get on my nerves but i have to deal with one of you everyday and its driving me crazy. i want out of this place. i hate it here and i dont know how much more i can stand. i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i didnt want to hate you. but look where we are. i am the king of cherry and youre left with nothing. ironic. i hate my fucking life and everything that its come down to. im a high school graduate who had some of the best grades act scores and the whole nine yards and here i sit at one am trying to keep myself stable enough to have a shower before i go to sleep. i should have everything right now and i dont and thats all thanks to live to party. fuck you you simple minded prick. i was supposed to be there, i was supposed to feel purpose for /once in my god damn life/ and you came up here at the last moments of october and fucked everything over for me. you threw my entire personality through the loop and i went from someone who was happy to someone who is trying his hardest not to die where every day is a struggle and if anything is remotely challenging it makes me turn. i already have my plan and one wrong move will send everything to that. its all thought out and its been there for two months and eight days and i cant tell you how much ive been just trying to get better. from the outside you might believe it, give or take depending the shirt i have on, but you wouldnt even know the mental struggle i go through. nothing feels real anymore. i feel like im living my life through a vessel i have no control of, i have no feeling and no emotion. i barely crack a smile daily and when i have no reason to i barely leave my room, which i consider to be the last safe space i had. however, i have access to the internet, which makes everything worse. when i leave my room is when everything gets worse. if im with a friend who genuinely, actually, likes me, maybe ill feel fine, but if im at work i feel so awful because the people there treat me like absolute jack shit. theyre not thankful for me one bit and have the worst approach to mental health: it just doesnt exist. well. it does, and its going to cost you the one good thing you had from closing up shop because i am getting very, very fed up with your pemped up political drama abusive bullshit. fuck you. i am so tired of feeling that everything isnt real. the only time things feel real is when im asleep, and my dreams constantly are nightmares. i have dreams very often that involve me getting injured in a manner that my teeth fall out, its such a running theme in my dreams yet every time i wake up im terrified because it felt so real. when im facing my drivers license suspension for driving at one hundred miles per hour and possibly facing jail time i feel nothing, which is ironic because i was speeding to try to feel something, to feel like i should keep going instead of driving right into a pole or concrete. but that fucker stopped me. cops are so terrifying and i hate them. youre supposed to be able to trust them but what after they did to mom i cant trust them. they can and will abuse you and you cant do anything about it, because whatll you do, contact the police? theyre not there to protect you. theyre there to fuel their paychecks and to fuck people out of their money and livelihoods. this country is so awful and i want out of here so bad but theres nothing that i can do that will fix anything. realistically, with the cash i have on hand, i could go on the run and maybe leave this country if i got lucky, but where would i go and what would i do? i havent finished college and have barely any skills outside of computers which isnt particularly helpful. god, im trapped in this dinkyass tiny as fuck town in a state filled with inbreds in a country that loves gasoline more than the life sustaining air they breathe. i hate this. constantly, i wish the scenario that everyone would just disappear would happen. a world without people and a world without worry, what would i do? i'd try to reunite with the savior, which i dont think would work. i just want to be free and i dont want to worry. i want freedom, please, give me what this country so desperately fetishizes. it's tearing me apart and im teetering every day between life and death that even that doesnt feel real. i could die and it wouldnt feel real. all thats real are my dreams, and that needs to change before im permanately living in them. i hope that i can get myself fixed. -- i am uber drunk right now and o feel amazing, i just want ed go you about how i felt about you. i think you're amazing and i miss you every day that i am without you. i understand that you're happier with live to party now have heri hope that you know that even despite everything i still think of you as an amazing person even though i may not be the most sam table person left. i wish constantly for you to take me back however i know that is not realistic. maybe one day perhaps. i am a different person. i no longer smile and no long sd and campanella of holding emotion like i used to. but for esome reason i still have feeling for you event if i shouldn't have. i dream about you, which is ironic because i had this dream about you or with you beefier you messaged me which was sureal. maybe one day we'll be together, I feel like that is destiny, we're soul mates. or so i think; it's all up to you to figure that out, but i hope you know that i'll always be here for you; despite everything, and even though you hate me i hope that you know that i am incapable of hating you. i love you: i am surprised i can talk this well considering i am drunk. i feel amazing , now i know why you got drunk so often. i miss you. thank sirr messaging me; i love you. hey, i just wanted to say hey and thank you for everything youve do- er did to try to help me, but i want you to know that you wont need to do that anymore. see, look, everything's okay now! you can go on to live your life without whatever im doing to hold you back, so thank you, you did your best and you kept me around longer than I would have been. i always hoped youd come back, and you did! just know theres nothing you could have done, this has been brewing for six years, ive finally come to the point where i am going to take control of my life. ive made some mistakes in my life and im not about to keep going, so im gonna call it here, you were someone special to me, the only one i could really talk to. thanks for being that person. sorry for what ive done and what i did, i'm just so tired of hurting people, including you. thanks for being so nice to me. i hope you have a nice life, i'll see you around. i love you, thanks for everything. --
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