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journal

May 22nd

ive noticed that a lot of people who i considered to be my friends are just fake.
theyre having a get-together today and i look on snapmaps and everyones there and nobody asked if i wanted to go.
fuck them though. im perfectly content being by myself even if i'm a risk to myself when i am.
i still have one maybe two friends who i am actually friends with and who i think care about me,
because none of the other ones cared to, well, ask if i wanted to go?
it's kinda funny when you think about it. lately ive been thinking about blowing
everything apart and i've been pretty stuck on that idea.
not to mention my drivers license is going to be suspended so its not like i can do that to begin with.
just a thought, but god it needs to happen so bad. i shouldnt keep spiraling down like this but its all that will happen.
ive tried my damnedest to fix everything but nothing works
and now i'm here clinging on to whatever there is left. oh, and i'm graduated now,
so i'm free to go insane.
---

May 14th

pretty sure i'm close to arriving at my breaking point. i feel anxious 24/7 and nothing is helping.
everything is getting worse and i don't know if i can handle one more thing going on.
might be strong but everyone has a point where they just can't take it anymore.
fighting so hard, day and night, to just survive. but with what i feel i don't know
if i can handle much more of it. the reprise that just thirty seconds
can fix everything is really, really tempting. i really don't want to go the way of 11/14
but at the same time its the only way that i see that everything will be taken care of.
i'm floating now, surrounded by the void, yet weak as i'll ever be.
power is rushing through me with the realization that i can fix everything!
but i wont let that power go to my head. i will control everything as long as i can, until i just cant hold it anymore.
done being stuck in my head all day every day, pleading for happiness, when all i get is this downward spiral i can't control.
i've tried all i can and one of these days my hand is going to be forced.
pleading every day that i could just return to you, i know that won't happen, but it won't stop.
it just plays over and over and over and i just can't take it anymore.
wishing that i hadn't've been such a moron is really driving everything now. leaving this life behind
and embarking on a roadtrip as a runaway is very tempting, or just finishing everything.
i'm so close to being done with school, i just need to hold out a week, but i'm running out.
when school is over the only way i was grounded will be gone and i'll go off the deep end.
please, i just want everything to be okay. but it won't. please help me.
---

May 4th

i like to think that all my life has been reduced to is me sitting crosslegged while my forest haven burns down around me.
i feel nothing towards anything and barely can carry any emotion. all thats left the calm, calculated burning of my identity.
in truth, nothing i say or do is worthwhile in the end.
fake friends, an endless list of anxiety inducing bullshit.
today i'm going to get drunk n bad and try to steer clear of 11/14.
look at me, with everything spiraling down in a ball of flames, what fucks do i have left to give? none.
i'm trying to keep calm and stay under control but i feel one of these days
i'll finally snap and everything will go off the rails which is what i desperately don't want to happen.
i'm lucky to have made it this far, because i wasn't expecting to last until the end of april.
for now, my insides are in a never ending war with themselves,
trying to keep everything sane as long as it can. wish me luck. you did this.
now you need to suffer the consequences.
---

Apr 25th

lately been thinking about who i used to be. i used to be so hateful and edgy and i had nothing
but mental illness to back it up. if me now and me two years ago square off in a fight i would win despite how edgy i was then.
looking back on it now i feel bad for myself because if it wasnt for that i wouldnt
have gotten some of the help i needed. on the other hand, it also brought me to this whole other world
devoid of hate, instead leaving me alone,
empty and sad. the only hate i have now is revenge and even then its nothing.
it's kind of like that danny phantom episode where vlad tears danny apart.
my hate was torn from my anxiety and thrown into the depths of hell with my savior.
i clawed my way out and vowed my revenge. now i'm here, trying to just survive every day when i have no motivation and no feeling.
i feel nothing. full cycle from november.
---

Apr 24th

i'm sick, not like well you know but sick. ive been in bed for 21 hours
and i cant stay stood up. i tried to sleep with the thought
i was safe keeping me calm. i'm not safe though, i'm never safe, not here, not anywhere.
privacy doesnt exist and im not free.
being lovely has been put on a backburner. i like to think that i might be getting better when i'm not.
i'm not as incoherent as ive been the last few months but mentally im worse.
sure i make sense but that sense is scary, even to me. i just feel gross.
i just feel like some greasy fuck even though i showered no more than 12 hours ago.
i need to be lovely. i need to be perfect. god. i miss early 2021, then, i was free.
now, i'm just me, and that scares me.
---

Apr 22nd

11/14 has been controlling me a lot lately. ive been trying to fight from its reach but i think its winning.
ive had some fun shit going on since i last spoke to you, went to two concerts and also went to prom.
they were fun, dont get me wrong, but i just didn't and still dont feel like myself.
i'm not sure what i can do about this because its just this unclimbable wall im stuck behind.
ive been trying to find ways to keep myself from 11/14, like that animal crossing
game on the switch but while im at work, like right now,
i just feel empty. being trapped in this world is really getting to me.
i want to sink into the clouds of cherry.
---

Apr 9th

despite all preconceived notion, my savior, unexplicitly returned.
what was spiraling down into the empty void of space has somewhat recovered for now.
panic attacks are becoming more frequent but i dont particularly care.
i spent three hours today reliving
2021 which was nerve wracking yet intuitive. i patiently await, however, the moment.
as of right now i dont understand whats going on.
i found a vape pen three days ago and its been helping me.
yesterday, bad happened but despite that i will continue to fight on.
i dont know as of right now what my future may or will bring,
but i continue to latch onto the hope that it will be longer than i thought prior.
---

Apr 3rd

i forgot to mention last time that i'd turn 18 while i was in new york. i'm home now and i'm 18.
however. that just draws me closer to 11/14. i thought about it constantly on the way home because the plane
would play the same role then as it did now. planes draw me back to my savior.
august and october and all of the pain and suffering i felt on behalf of the savior.
despite that i put one in seventh up seventeenth over,
which could help. meds have been gone since vegas and stability is losing itself.
someday i fear what i predicted and planned will come true
and ultimately will lead to everlasting floating darkness. uncertain whether 11/14 is
the best option however with secondary ed on the horizon and the worry and pain.
next few months if they pass will lead to an unbearable world which is why 11/14 seems
to be a good idea for this month. im gonna have to decide
in a week or two or else ill be too late. understand that it would bring collateral to other aspects
but it shouldnt matter because i choose whats best for me.
collateral is the only thing currently worrying. i need to get over that unregulated anxiety.
need the savior to make its third return before its too late, but i fear it already is.
it was obvious but i feel like it wasn't seen. if it was, your loss.
should the savior inexplicably come across it, contact me. maybe you can fix this before i do.
heavenfaced is waiting.
---

Mar 27th

today i leave for nyc. i'm still stuck in this same place of mind i was in during the last week,
i wrote up 11/14 part 2 but the savior wont be back to stop this time.
i havent taken my meds since i got back from vegas so im in my "normal" state i guess.
im considering bringing my meds with me but i dont think i will.
in other words, plan lovely has been going well, i'm finally sub2 which is great,
my initial plan in the first place. my savior is hiding what i had left from me,
and now i just have to cling on until that decision is reversed. if youre reading this, which i doubt you are,
come on. i keep getting these violently painful headaches and i dont know how much more of them i can handle.
im considering getting drunk before i get on the plane but its a redeye and im only 18
so i dont think itll be the best idea considering everything. i got caught drinking a beer last week but that was fine
because i'm good at manipulating my way out of situations that threaten me.
oh well, cant say i didnt try to be better, but now i feel like im going crazy.
---

Mar 20th

greetings from las vegas, it seems i was wrong. that high that i ended up having about two weeks ago
has died down and i lost whatever good i had left, now i'm back to me. been thinking about 11/14 a lot lately,
im still struggling with the decision though. honestly, i'm trying,
i really am, but the sun is going down in the mountains. its taking me back. ive got all the means,
but making that decision may be one of if not the hardest decisions i'll ever make.
i visited colleges last wednesday and it kinda sent me back in the first place. its so daunting, horrifying.
having been stuck in the past the last few days,
back when the original 11/14 was deleted, but grasping onto that past has had me delve back into this hell.
i tried to make it obvious so the savior could come back and repeat it,
but it seems my efforts, were in vain. it is my hope that one day they'll come around and realize how shitty
of a situation they're in. for now, i just have to keep going, clinging onto the eroding hope i had of seeing them again.
---

Mar 12th

Hi. I'm not dead, lol. I've actually had a pretty nice month other than having the shittiest week last week.
I guess maybe i'm finally coming around? I felt really crazy the last few months but now, honestly, i feel fine. Not bad, not great, just fine.
Sometimes I still think about good old 11/14 and i dont know
what'll come of that but i guess we'll see when we get to it. I'm going to new york and las vegas
at the end of this month which is something i'm very much looking forward to.
Maybe i finally 'fixed' whatever was wrong up there, because i honestly have felt the best
i've felt in a long while. However, that doesnt include
work because i still feel like shit there and i've lost like 50-60 pounds but that's fine lol.
i actually feel good about how i look for once.
my friend got me on his spotify family account late last month which has been very nice as i dont have to download all my shit manually.
i guess that's the update, been hanging out w friends more, just feel free, actually free.
ps, finally got beer n wine n vodka n shit, best stuff ever.
---

Feb 14th

i'm really trying, believe me, but honestly, im just about done.
i feel so worthless to everyone and everything i thought mattered.
in the grand scheme of things, should i leave, nobody really would care. those who do would get over it quick.
i just want to get out of here. god, i dont know what to do. im too awkward to ever approach new people and i hate myself for it.
i hate myself so much. i'm so awkward and ugly and just a bad person to be around.
my stomach is tied in knots and my brain is driving me crazy.
i just keep thinking of jumping off the dam by my house.
i dont have much of a point in being here anymore.
what do i have left to lose should i end it all?
---

Jan 18th

dunno how to feel anymore. at times i feel ok but most of the time i just feel nothing.
i know thats what i wished for at first, but now it just hurts.
i keep having these deep irrational thoughts that keep making everything worse.
not to mention, keep getting these really bad headaches like i used to have in the later half of last year.
my mom said i should go get an mri but i dont really want to because im scared of it.
lately, just been wanting to be free, free from school, work, life. i just want my dream world.
for me, that is a world where everyone has disappeared but me, and i'm left to roam as i wish.
i know i shouldnt dream about something that wont happen, but i see no way out of this.
---

Jan 10th

the seasonal depression finally kicked in. not after i got dumped, but after all the abuse that happened in december,
but now, in january, when the season is drawing to a close. i feel worthless. i barely sleep anymore because (of them)
i'm scared of the dark. ive got accent lights but its still hard for me to sleep.
have nightmares of my teeth getting knocked out or being locked in a sanitorium.
now i sleep at midnight or 1 am. i feel shitty. i was really confident for a while with how i looked but now im not.
been losing weight like the us is gaining national debt but its not enough.
cant even look myself in the mirror and be happy w/ it anymore. i keep listening to the same music and it just envelops me.
feels like i need an explanation as to why im not okay but i dont have one. ive always been super logical, but this time
dont even have a reason. i just want to be happy. being here in this shitty town
surrounded by landscape just makes me feel more alone. i already have a ton of screws loose in my head,
and not even sure what half of the things are that're wrong... why do i feel so weak when i look so strong, but in reality, im nothing inside.
im actually tearing up for the first time in months. why does this have to happen to me?
ive tried my best and its not ever good enough. i just want to be happy. is that so much to ask?
---

Jan 5th

welcome to this new year. no, dont fuckin say it, it's not a happy new year, because i personally dont have a reason to be happy.
i tried to be nice and i tried to help but nothing is ever good enough for anyone.
nobody listens to a god damn thing i say and when im high it gets so god damn frustrating.
my friend got a weed pen the other day so ive taken a bunch of that at night and
while it helps with anxiety this built up rage shines through.
i keep having these really disturbing dreams and thoughts. i wont say anything here,
because they're thoughts, not things ill do. i feel like im going crazy.
im going solo. i dont really have anyone there and its killing me. oh well,
maybe i'll kill me before it does. school started today.
i have to get my schedule fixed. im dreading these last months.
college is right around the corner and its flipping me the fuck out.
i keep thinking about destroying myself. every day, tons of ways, the cycle will always repeat itself.
i dont know man, i'm trying, but i think im losing this battle once again. i just keep thinking of 11/14/20.
that was a rollercoaster of the day and it ended with solice. now, i'm mad. i want what was taken back.
---

Dec 29th

here i lay at 12:44 am. dont feel anything anymore. dont feel hurt, hate, or anything,
i feel numb. finally. had a rough last week or so. just been getting worse mentally.
been playing shooters like doom, rdr2 and gta, realized without school i really have no way to keep myself mentally grounded
and end up in this everlasting cycle of self deprivation and hatred that spins and spins.
spent a lot of the last week worrying about the past and what could have been
i should have been better. not sure how much more i can take of everything. its driving me mad.
anxiety is taking hold and a lot of the time i get stuck in this mental state thats scary, even to me.
honestly feel like im going insane. my thoughts are getting more scattered and lost and im having a hard time staying above water.
tried talking to friends, but tbh, only have one friend left who i think i can really be open with.
the other, well, will just call me a "dumb cunt" or something.
ive been listening to a lot of deftones, bones, radiohead and a few other rappers lately. that's it.
the basslines, beats and lyrics have really been speaking to me.
theyre taking me to this plane of existence that is unfathomable to me. a melancholic, empty space that i can truly be free in.
just wish i could trancend this physical form to move there too. music has once again become my mental refuge.
the physical refuge i had drowned itself in a river of whiskey despite not heeding my warnings. one day i will make music my physical too.
i dont want to fight anymore, battle is over. for now, i must survive, persevere, and follow my only way to get out of this mess.
before i go, here's some lyrics from teenager by deftones. the somber beat and lyrics have been making me float away.
"i climbed your arms, then you pulled away, a new cavity moved into my heart today,
the more she sings, the more it seems, now i'm, now i'm through, with the new you."
---

Dec 21st

this last few days have been pretty interesting. personally, ive been stuck in this limbo hoping that i lived in the 90s.
feel like i would have thrived then with such primitive internet and websites.
at the same time, here i sit hoping it'll come back. i read through the two notes to me just before
the second time and it made me cry. i dont harbor any anger anymore. just sadness.
just what it could have been. was foolish of me to have taken that for granted and i would do anything now to go back and fix it.
but i cant. im stuck in this shitty present day, hoping hour after hour that itll all go back to normal. but it wont.
on sunday i went sledding with my friends and we watched some grand tour and played cards against humanity.
my arms and legs got destroyed sledding, but i was still stuck in that limbo hoping itd go back to what it was.
yesterday was no different. i went with my friends (who are twins)
down to raising canes to try out their chicken and it was good. i did the same thing there,
the same thing at the mall we went to after to hang out for hours.
the same thing when we went drifting in their cousin's friends' suzuki samurai. i want to move on,
but just please listen to me. ive got meds that help me. you said i wouldn't change but i did, i did.
you'll probably show this to all your friends and theyll all make fun of me just like they did last time.
the point of this haven is for me to get better. just want to stop feeling like this. broken me.
tearing me apart. i want to scream and cry.
---

Dec 17th

todays the first day of christmas break. my new car got here wednesday and it needs work.
that gives me something to do i guess. i feel so gross all the time. over the last three weeks, ive lost 20 pounds.
i know its not healthy to control how much i eat but its what ive got to do to be perfect.
getting more and more tired of being in high school. been in high school for three
and a half years and tbh not sure how much more i can take of it.
had a pretty bad night on the 12th. hope they know they caused it. somehow im incapable of hating them.
i just cant. despite everything, everything they did to me, i just cant do it.
maybe im too empathetic, or too forgiving, or some other bullshit.
i dont know. feel so worthless. just want to be somebody.
---

Dec 11th

theres some days i look you up on all those medias we split from on.
perhaps a subconscious hope to get a brief glimpse of what your existence could be like in the present.
i feel guilty being in the shadows off the sideline. shouldnt be watching,
but i just hope that youre doing better now. some days it really stings to realize the truth.
the truth makes me want to do irrational things to myself. believe me, i dont most of the time.
its been a month, two weeks and two days. i still think about you all the time. i know you hated me in the end.
just hope you know that i got the help i needed. still miss you,
maybe i shouldnt after everything you did to me. i know you blamed everything on me,
but in truth, while i know i wasnt perfect, you fueled it too.
all the lies you told, all the things you said, promises broken. each felt like a rib being broken.
dont hold anything against you for that though. just hope you remember, despite everything.
i promised.
i would always look out for you, and here i am, continuing to keep my promise.
---

Dec 9th

life. albeit hard, is getting somewhat easier. with the use of my drugs (theanine, b6 and edibles)
ive managed to get into a place thats controllable. problem is that now i cant sleep. ever.
used to have to have it pitch black to sleep and now i cant sleep hardly at all, albeit with lights on.
i know what caused this. trying my damned hardest to be who i want. gonna do things i have to to get my way.
every night when i cant sleep ill be listening to radiohead, deftones, nin or smashing pumpkins and ill just sit there
until that anxietal urge and worry comes back and then, only then will sleep be achieved.
however. once that starts its all i can dream about. sleep used to be a refuge for me
but its just a warzone i have to fight in like everything else. that ruined everything for me. hope they know.
dont hold them accountable for their actions. forgiveness is something ive had to hate to use.
now i have to. part of me feels like im getting better, and thats good,
but at the same time those feelings of insecurity, worry and doubt cheerfully rush over me.
music was my refuge and its becoming one yet again. im trying to run from the darkness
but the darkness just seems to get closer. you look at me now.
look what you tried to make me become. im standing here king of your trials.
im the man of war and you wont stop me.
i hope you read these. miss you.
---

Dec 4th

welcome to december. the month of snow and ho-ho-holy fuck i dont want to be here anymore.
high school is killing me. thats not a euphemism. it's killing me. i want to be alone and i want to be free. my head wont stop pounding.
the thoughts make me want to destroy myself. sometimes i find solace in thinking i wont have to worry when im gone.
want to float in a dark place that will finally allow me to breathe.
my life doesnt mean shit to me. this toxic brain sludge of thoughts and emotions continues to mix into a force i wont be able to stop.
trying so goddamn hard to be better but i cant when your voice echoes in my head.
when im with friends i feel okay, but when im alone i feel like a risk. i know that you hear me. you dont mind and i dont mind at all. stop.
want to scream out but i know i wont be heard. im never heard.
nobody ever listens to a thing i say. they all act like im some fucking idiot but im not.
i matter but nobody thinks i do including me.
for once in my life i thought i mattered and that was a lie. lies lies lies. its always a lie.
its always some slight of hand thats just there because people want to fuck with me.
to them? i dont matter. i see the things you dont see. i breathe the air that you don't breathe.
i bleed the blood that you dont bleed. its all against me. why would i want you to care about me.
---

Nov 30th

the urge is back. im trying to distract from it but the urge is controlling me.
the urge is making me want to go red. i know i shouldnt but i really really want to. im not anxious anymore.
just numb. i dont feel anything. and i know exactly why. this ship is sinking and no matter
what i do to save it it will go down. things i try dont seem to help me feel better.
i dont feel sad, but now i feel nothing. i wish i had someone to love me. i know nobody wants to.
and i get that. im a fuckin mess. my emotions are off the walls and im unpredictable.
im just so goddamned lonely. i barely ever have free time and when i do i dont do anything. i have five or six good friends tops.
i know theyre faking being friends with me out of pity. who would genuinely care.
some days i want to just run away, go to a friends house across the country and live there for a while.
i want to run away from all my problems but i know theyll just follow me like porn bots on twitter.
no matter how hard you try they always come back. i want to scream but i know nobody will hear it.
fuck.
---

Nov 29th

drugs are amazing.
the edibles arrived earlier and had two when i knew my anxiety was going to start and while im not sure if im high i know its helping.
sort of anxious but the feeling of anxiousness isnt really there if you know what i mean.
its like its been minimized or something and it feels so fucking good. i mentally dont feel anxious but physically
really only feel it in my chest. i played through the entire campaign of halo reach in one sitting somehow
and i actually feel kind of okay. tomorrow i have another therapy session but i dont think im gonna bring up the fact
i got edibles because im sure that could get me in trouble. honestly, for fourty dollars id say that was worth
it just to not feel anxious once, but i can last two months if i take two every day. i think im set.
hopefully this high sticks around for a while. i dont want to become an addict
but it feels so good to not feel anxious for one god damn second of my life.
feels so good that i might legit start just breaking down and crying. it feels that good.
i just wish they could see me now. you were wrong.
---

Nov 26th

i dont know how much more i can take. my anxiety is getting worse and im getting more and more paranoid with everything.
my chest feels like its being pressed down so hard that its hard to breathe. i dont know what to do.
i have to try to make it until monday but i really really dont know how much more of this im gonna be able to handle.
i thought the medication would help but it doesnt seem to do anything later in the day.
this has happened three times and its seriously making everything worse. its making me want to do things
i shouldnt and i know i shouldnt but i just get this urge.
i want this all to go away. why cant i be normal? god, i want all of this to stop,
everything needs to stop now. i cant handle much more of it and this anxiety is making me feel crazy.
im trying to play games and watch hulu to distract myself but i dont know how much longer thats gonna contain me.
music used to be my refuge and now i can barely listen to it before the thoughts come in harder and harder after i try to push them out.
im having a war with my brain and i think its winning.
ps. slowdive is amazing.
pps. i just ordered edibles so hopefully those help with this.
---

Nov 25th

today is thanksgiving. i dont feel like i have anything left to be thankful for.
i dont have anything left worth living for. yesterday was rough.
ive been awake for almost four hours. i think after what happened yesterday im finally moving on.
i know the truth and dwelling in the past wont keep me there. the molecules in my body want to break down
and fall apart yet im somehow keeping them together. i hate living here.
i want someone to love me but i feel like everyone at my school isnt my type. im not some fucking incel.
i had a girlfriend. im just lonely. im not some narcissistic
bitch or some creepy person. sure i have flaws but getting dumped broke those and a lot of them are gone.
the spirituality of my life is fleeting. i feel like i have no soul. im just some hollow corpse floating through life.
ive been thinking more and more about ending everything.
i dont feel like i have anything left. look at me. im a mess.
no wonder everyone hates me. including myself.
---

Nov 21st

work is driving me insane. they hired their cousin who just
acts like a bitch and i hardly ever want to be at work because of all
the negativeness that comes from it. i think about the past. i get made fun of a ton.
i cant handle being made fun of anymore. i get told what to do.
i dont know if ill be able to handle it much longer. i fucking try and trying is never good enough.
im never good enough for anyone. i keep getting a stronger and stronger
feeling that there is nothing left to lose. theres nothing left to try.
i feel like my great escape from this shit will be college but even that feels like its not gonna happen.
i feel trapped and i can feel the energy leading up to a self-implosion.
saturday night was almost that. i went to that dance. it was fun.
but that whole day before had been a real disaster. i had a huge anxiety attack and got out of work early.
i was planning to od that night but i didnt and i think that dance is what saved me.
afterwards i went and sat on the edge of a bridge for a while.
im not sure whats gonna become of me but im scared of it.
i feel like my life is over but i dont want it to be, but i feel like ive got no choice but to give it a finite ending.
---

Nov 18th

looking back on my existence i realize what a fool i have been to have been so naive regarding everything.
nobody does anything out of the kindness of their heart. they use you.
theyll take whats important to you and will hold you hostage against your mind.
its everyone for themselves in this hellish landscape. here i am thinking about the deep shit ive gotten myself into.
none of this wouldve happened if i could have just
shut the fuck up and not said a word i was thinking, but noooo. i just have to open my mouth and when
i open my mouth i ruin everything. its always been like that.
its always my god damn fault. you cant say its not cus it is. the universe has been fighting
its battle against me since day one and i am getting reeeeallly tired of it.
everyone is always against me. who cares about me when people can always be going out
of their way to being the sourest assholes they can. i was wrong to think that people would actually try to help me.
i want alcohol. i want to take all the problems inside me and drown
them out with the most vile liquid i can take. it blows im not old enough,
and im smart enough to know ill likely get hooked on that shit if i take it
but goddammit i want to feel good for once. every time i start feeling okay about myself some jackass
comes around and just knocks me back down. now ive found myself in trouble
because i dont listen to assholes. i feel my mental state lowering and lowering as we go on.
the only way i feel good about myself is to eat only one meal a day.
ive been doing this for weeks ever since she left me. im not good enough.
im not good looking enough and i can change that. i want control.
im losing motivation to stay alive. i feel broken. i dont know what im gonna become.
---

Nov 16th

i just wanted to tell you i still love you.
---

Nov 15th

i havent really felt anything the last few days.
i just feel worthless and hopeless. at least i look fashionable..my clothes arrived sometime last week,
and they actually look kinda good on me. i dont know if anyone else likes it but i do
so it shouldnt matter but for some reason it means the world to me how others see me.
i want people to like me, and i want someone to love me. yet i want people
to be intimidated and almost scared of me. its a fine line
to balance and i dont think im doing that great at it. the last few days
have been pretty shitty. i sort of want to take a
break from social media, well not a complete break but stop posting shit, stop liking shit and just leave it.
i feel like it might make me a better person.
or at least i hope so. i wish i couldnt feel anything at all
and just be numb all of the time but most of the time i just feel sad.
i feel like im done for. sometimes i really think thats gonna happen.
i still cant even imagine the future, nonetheless think about it
because of how overwhelming it gets for me. i think i cant think about it because of all the gaslighting
ive endured thus far. ive been manipulated into the future that everyone
'wants' for me but its not what i want. now im stuck in this state where i feel like i have no future.
i really hope that isnt the case but on the other hand
i can clearly imagine myself taking it. god, im such a mess. i wish people accepted me,
not people in school but people at home. i wish i could be me.
i cant wait to turn 18 so i can get antidepressants and antianxiety meds.
i need to fix myself before its too late.
---

Nov 11th

i feel like im going crazy. i cant see myself in the mirror anymore.
its just a fake version of me. the version that everyone wants to see.
i feel bad people have to put up with me. i know i dont have motivation at work
yet they work with me anyway. im a miserable kid
to be around and im surprised at least some ppl like me. sometimes i feel like im not me
and that someone else is controlling me. my mind is clear yet my thoughts
are dark and i cant control them. one of my friends seems to be kind
of relating with me now. hes gone antireligion like i did
and its kinda nice to have someone to talk to. i need to stop impulse
buying but i cant. its like theapy for me, or at least it feels like it is.
i have to have things i want. when i had one of my last breakdowns i bought 120$
worth of shit and ive bought two shirts for 40$ in the last two days.
i need to stop. i keep shaking and i cant control it and its infuriating me.
i get worried people at school will notice when i shake and i dont want them to.
i just want to blend in. i dont want to be special. i dont want to stand out.
i just want to be normal. im nothing but. i know my therapist has said its normal to
feel what i do but i dont think its normal to this degree. it makes me who i am.
anxiety makes me me. even though i hate me its something i have to deal with.
i feel like a lot of people hate me, dont worry guys, i hate me too.
---

Nov 9th

its insane to think that i am me now.
its been such a rollercoaster and now im back where i started. theres no vengeance anymore.
its just sadness. i dont feel good ever. i felt okay from saturday to monday but
today i had work and it took everything right back out of me. i feel like a part of me is gone,
and i wont be able to find it. i keep worrying about the future or lack thereof.
i cant see it happening. im afraid ill just go out doing something i cannot fathom.
this lifetime started well but sank rapidly about two years ago. i have little friends,
dont look good, have a godawful voice and barely can keep myself doing my tasks. it gets worse at night.
it always does. the thoughts blur and become a congealed screaming blob. i cant think straight at night.
thats what scares me. i dont want to go, but yet i want to go so bad.
i dont know what happened to me, but i hate it.
i just feel like a shell of myself. a hollow being that doesnt belong in this existence.
i just keep thinking about what i used to be.
what i used to want to do. sometimes i still want to.
i know i won't. but its just this empty feeling that
correlates to nothing in the real world. its all in my head.
its so damn hard to put what i feel into words. i dont know how to phrase how i feel.
i feel like everything is closing in on me when in reality its getting further and further away.
but i worry that nothing i feel is real. its all imagined.
god, i psyche myself out so hard. i just dont want to live like this anymore.
i feel like people at school are afraid of me. i'm intimidating, and i kind of want to be scary.
i want to be respected yet feared. maybe its my conciousness on autopilot.
i just feel like an outcast. nobody hardly talks to me. i spend little to no time at school.
my feelings contradict so hard sometimes and it drives me crazy.
i want to blow those thoughts out. if i have to do it i will.
i want everything to go away.
i feel like i can go on for pages just babbling and rambling incoherently but ill save your time and cut it short here.
---

Nov 7th

my largest project has started. a full scale replica for me to play in.
it'll be done next week. thanks chill. all i can think about revolves around it.
the power, the backstory, the leverage, everything. it makes me want to start a story,
a fairytale if you might. i have one, but it's just a flashback. i want something real.
i want something that will make me feel. and yet i'm alone by myself.
sometimes i talk to others but thats rare. its hard to have a crush on someone whose both mia and hates your guts.
i wonder if she thinks about me anymore. its been what feels like a lifetime.
i went from being whatever i was then to fine to what i am now. and what am i? i dont know.
i don't know. i dont know what i can do, what im capable of.
that terrifies me. i just want peace. i want to be surrounded by leaves,
next to a tree on a crisp autumn day. that's where i want to be.
i dont know what to do about the future. i worry it'll overtake me and
i'll end up somewhere i dont want to be, doing something
i dont want to do. i don't want to go crazy, but i dont see a future for myself.
there's nothing after high school.
i dont see myself ever getting free from my chains.
out of everyone i could have been, why did i have to be me?
---

Nov 4th

today i got asked to a school dance. its a girl that i share two classes with.
thats never happened before. i havent been to a school dance ever, and im a senior.
i hope it goes well. a breakup destroyed me so anything will help.
---


Nov 3rd

my subconscious is spinning and its taken me along with it. spiraling thoughts.
they all rewind back to november 14th 2020. every second of that night.
it was cold. i was cold. i'm alone. now. i was took up and abandoned by the light.
the light is what shone on me for nine months. each time i'm asked what's wrong i say nothing.
why would i want you to care about me.
nobody gives a rats ass. i thought they did for a brief moment but i ruined it.
i know i ruined it and no lie will keep from the truth i'm trying to fix it.
tomorrow is yet another existence that allows me to try to get better.
part of me hopes it doesn't. crashing down in april is what i keep thinking of even if i don't want to.
trapped in a cell. trapped in my brain. such rambling thoughts are one of a disturbed mind.
i didn't ask for this, but this is what i got anyway.
i dont want to grow up. the bits i have left will be torn from my grasp.
launching me into a spiral that im afraid will ruin me.
i dont believe in a god or a being. i just want peace.
i cant stick one cohesive thought together. my brain just mushes it all into a mass that i cant handle.
i look back and wonder what happened to me? i dont know.
i dont want to be alone anymore. i want a friend. i want someone to talk to. guess thats what this is.
my nose is bleeding.
---


Nov 1st

nothing. i feel nothing. all im left with is nothing.
every second. every hour. every day. every week. it's been a week.
being alone is so lonely. being alone is so draining. god, i hate being me.
having someone break up with you only to get together with someone
you subconsciously thought they were cheating on you with is heartbreaking.
i know it had to happen, but now i don't know what to do.
that's why i'm here now. i don't know what to do. i can't make friends. the ones i used to have graciously took me back.
but i just don't think i can love someone as much as i did, and i know nobody will love me back.
what's even the point in trying? i just feel like a failure. i want to buy clothes but i'm going back n forth on it.
...and i just bought 120$ worth of clothes. they get here on the 19th. let's go.
---


come, let's watch the rain as it's falling down
sunlight on your skin when i'm not around
shit don't feel the same when you're out of town


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