reaching out, hoping that youd grab onto my hand and pull me out of these waves, only to be grabbed and pushed down further. it's all that the last few weeks have been leading up to, following a path that is dark yet familiar, stumbling across protrusions in the ground, slowly walking into despair. it was something i was always told, to just ask and i shall receive, but i asked, and got punched in the mouth. some things i find ironic, yet when i re-experience them, i find harrowing. i wont ever forget what i was told, and told to grasp onto hope, but there is no hope. there's nothing. every promise you break, every lie you make, i'll be watching you. remember that, when you look at the sky, when i'm floating amongst the stars. just wait here, i'll be back in the morning. ---
March 21st
someday i want you to see this and see what i became, yet i dont want you to find this either. this year has been such a bizarre experience and you probably dont even realize why. it's really confusing to me, has that connection that was once severed returned? probably not. sometimes it all feels like falling apart, and most of the time it is. life has no purpose, no meaning. it all rushes faster and faster and faster until one day nothing matters anymore. why should i just waste my time waiting for that day? i'm not sure, yet i remain entangled in this existence hoping for something to give me meaning. what i have seen so far this time makes me believe you and i aren't as different as you made it out to be. maybe sometime you could see it too. ---
January 1st
we're an hour into this year and i already want it to be over. sure, i've spent the actual new years celebration at 12 watching ponyo with my friends, but i just feel like i can't hold on to much, if anything. earlier i was thinking about what i could to to fix everything, but to do that i would have to find something to work towards, but i dont think there's a point in working on myself because there's nothing to work for. why should i even try? genuinely it feels like giving up is just the better option, but i'm gonna keep pushing and trying until it breaks me. theres no real reason why, i couldn't tell you why. i just want to still be here, but doing that seems impossible. i dunno, we'll see. ---
December 24th
there is an unwavering fear that everyone secretly hates me and that i am truly alone. it is something i think that i understand, i am too much for people. everything gets worse and worse, 11/14II is now on paper, which is phenomenal. now i dont feel alive, nothing feels real and nothing matters anymore. every inch of my being hurts more and more the longer i persist, but i digress. ive been seeing some of the sites that've become known to me on this website as of late and it's weird to see people like who i was 30 months ago. a time when i was full of rage and hatred and just wanted it all to burn. now it's about the opposite. i just want to burn, i want it so dearly. who'll care when nobody knows you exist? trust issues keep me out of a lot of things which is infuriating, but i can't help it considering how fucking obliterated i was in october of last year. that'll never happen again. sorry. i dont want everything ripped out of me again, then again, there's nothing left to rip out. there's no future for me ---
December 5th
ive had a really weird last month. things have happened that i didnt expect yet everything has gotten worse. this is compounded by the fact that i am growing to hate absolutely everyone for anything which i really dont want to happen. people just seem like idiots and i'm so so tired of putting up with their bullshit. just feels as if i am constantly freaking out and i dunno why, ive been trying so hard to make it obvious so something can be done, but nobody's picking up on it, like for fucks sake just look at me, i've lost half of my weight in the last year. i dunno, it just feels as if there's nothing to be done that will fix anything, running out of options quick and time as well, ive been researching again which is something i shouldn't do but pretty sure its whats left that can fix everything, why cant anyone just listen to me? or at least just care? being ignored and overlooked so much is tearing me apart. ---
October 31st
tomorrow marks one year since i started this site, and its probably safe to say nothing has changed. im still just barely above water and every little thing feels like a shove that might send me under. this week was pretty hard on me and instead of going to the sporting goods store i spent all the money i had on amazon so i could protect myself, which is sad yet funny. lately i have been spending a lot of time learning about why i am like this, or at least trying to. today in one of my classes we watched a movie on forced masculinity which was helpful, and ive been trying all i can do just try to get better, but nothing helps, nothing ever helps. i spoke to the savior about this about a month ago, where i said what i am is just something ive come to terms with and how i just need to suck it up and deal with it, which was bad, it is bad. i know what i can do to fix this, but i cant. itll hurt more people and im done hurting them, i dont want to hurt anyone anymore, just tired of wasting everyones everything. ---
October 24th
no, no. this is all wrong, its supposed to be perfect, im supposed to be free, but im not and i dont know how to feel about it. its october 24th, tomorrow will be the worst day of my life all fucking over again. this fucking hurts. i tried so hard, i tried so fucking hard and all i get for it is just constant pain and its driving me too hard. dont get me wrong, im glad youre better, i am, but being with you makes me feel so fucking uncomfortable, and you pretend like nothing happened when we traded places and now im stuck here trying not to die every waking moment of my existence contemplating everything you say as some kind of joke. you dont understand, i tried this time, i really tried and i still failed. of all the voices in my head the loudest is calling for help yet when i look around there is nothing to be found. while there are things to be gained from losing something, getting that something back just out of the blue with no explanation as to why you're helping leaves me hurt and confused, you threw your last friend away because he was annoying you, so why did you turn to me? i'm fucking broken. i want to be friends with you, but everything i feel yet dont understand makes me want to die. i dont know what to do. ---
October 15th
best believe that i am trying my best to get better, yet i feel as if i'm getting worse while trying to be better. i have no motivation and barely any drive to get anything, and i worry that i just keep getting worse. before i was able to at least clean up my room but now i can't even do that. two weeks ago the savior returned again, for the third time, yet with this one i'm not sure what the meaning behind it is. before there were two reasons to, at least from what i could tell, but this time there's nothing, or seemingly nothing. a part of me hopes the help is truly helping, yet it leaves me confused and unsure of what is happening. however now the case is that i'm not quite sure that i will truly ever want to experience what i had ever again. it leaves me sad because i wish that it could, but in truth i don't think i'd want to. i had a dream last night that made me feel worse, it was the typical "american" story, and i'll be vague as to save myself, however it ended in a way that was so truly surreal that it left me harrowed. my hope is that maybe its some sort of sincerity that someone is coming back for me, but because of what happened, my trust issues are too far gone for this one. i did my best to hide my tracks because i didn't want you to find this, maybe i still don't. ---
September 18th
the hope that one day something huge will happen to this world that causes me to prevail is so strange to have. the want to be inside of hurricane katrina where i have to survive in a time that i could be happy in. time is strange like that, i wished i was alive in literally any decade but now. if i was my age in the 70s-2011 i would have been happy, but i feel like there is nothing now that is worth being there for. putting my life on the line feels risky yet rewarding and i want to be able to survive with any means necessary. like a road trip ive always wanted, where i drive away in a panic with no plan or nowhere to go, just going until i cannot. maybe then i could find something to live for, something that would be forced at me. sometimes i wish i would have been thrown out just to force me to grow up and so my purpose would be forced onto me, but that isnt how life played out. i was dealt a shitty hand. ---
September 9th
so with a lot of time thinking and some help from my psychology class i think i am starting to understand why i am the way i am. now that really isnt the most ideal solution, i'd prefer if i was just able to fix myself but i cant do that. i think that because of everything that happened to me in october ive developed a really bad response to everything. not only am i anxious and depressed and whatever you call this site, but i have a severe fear of intimacy and growing close to people. years ago i was able to make friends easily, but in the last year alone, i no longer understand how to do it, i believe thats because i am scared to be put in the same position i was in again. it also means that i developed unhealthy coping mechanisms, like getting addicted to my pen, or alcohol, which i no longer have more of. regardless, i think that i am terrified to be hurt again so my body or moreover my mind is preventing me from getting put into the same position again. you likely can see the predicament here. so i think that's the first thing i have to do is to conquer my fear of rejection, something my old therapist said before i graduated. how do i do that? i don't know, but i hope to figure it out because ive been really teetering lately, to a point where it scares even me. also have been wanting to watch TEOFTW again which scarred me the last time i watched it so that speaks for itself. why can't you fucking hear me? ---
September 1st
things have been getting pretty bad lately, i won't spare you anything. i'm scared for my sake because i don't feel in control of myself anymore. everything feels like its being performed by this being that isn't me. sort of feels like my brain is trapped and my body is just going without any input. lately ive noticed that i've repressed all emotion, so much so that whatever friends i have left genuinely can't tell what i'm feeling, and if i'm being honest with them, i don't know what i'm feeling either. i keep looking back at how everything was planned out and that worries me, i want to be here, but i feel as if i have no purpose. there is nothing to work towards in this world, we're all going to die, feels as if there's no point in anything. my friend told me earlier that i'm having an existential crisis and i'm only 18 and that freaked me out more. i want to have control of myself and stop being stuck on this autopilot who i feel isn't truly me. now i feel as if i'm only living for the glimmer of hope that i have that everything will be okay, even if i know, and you know, that it won't. my body is taking risks that my brain doesn't want to, it's so hard for me to express anything, just typing this was hard. this is really confusing for me. i'm no longer in control and i don't know what is. my brain is just stuck by itself, and it's ruining me. ---
August 26th
hiya. college started on monday and i feel like it'll ruin me more than high school did. all of my friends, or at least the five i had left are all no longer in the picture because theyre all in different places now. feeling mentally and physically exhausted, not sure how somebody could be able to do this shit for four years, but at least i get free coffee. not sure how to make friends so i think you understand where this predicament is coming from. having to take public transport now to get to school is scary but all the public bus drivers ive had have actually been pretty nice, i thank them every time i get off the bus. other than that there isn't much to say other than i feel miserable but am stuck in a bind. feeling so alone yet i also wish to be alone, i dont have any longing emotion or anything towards anyone, i just wish i wasn't alone at school, but i am, the junkie tall scary looking kid who doesn't talk beacuse he doesn't know how. ive gotten addicted to my pen but its the only thing that truly helps with anxiety, it's nerve-wracking pointless bullshit but my brain continues to be like "haha fuck you" so i continue to suffer, such is my nature. i hope i make just one friend, just one, that's all i want. something like youd see in a movie, a friend that you can rely on, but that's wishful thinking, in reality there's a good chance that won't happen oh well. ---
August 21st
i hoped youd find this, either i wasnt obvious enough or you were too oblivious to see it. regardless, i write to you. taking into consideration how much of a hypocrite and how self-centered you are hardly find it hard to believe you couldnt find it. maybe then you could see all the hypocrisy that has happened all because of you. being replaced and all that shit. caring about someone was one thing, but trust was another, which was something i was played for. just cant even believe that i want to talk to you, but i do. i'm lonely. i wont ever be all the things i ever wanted to be and we both know whose fault that was. i don't care for that now. none of those hopes or fabled dreams, none of it. i just want to be in my haven where i dont have to worry about you fucking everything over for me. i would like to erase you from my memory and all the shit thats been ruined because of it, but i can't. you ruined me and i hope you're happy for it. i'm gonna live forever and you're gonna suck it up and deal with it. ---
August 14th
sitting here at 1am watching TPOBAW with my friend, makes me really think about life and everything i've missed out on. why have i missed out? because i'm me, awkward, lonely and completely hopeless. college is gonna destroy me, its almost inevitable. today while running errands i decided to go to the drugstore and pick up some st johns wort, not exactly the life saving meds i do need, but hopefully a step in the right direction. ny eeze stick ran out so ill have to get one of those too. im starting to be delusional and see things or hear things that arent there. i really hope that ill be able to become a person that i want to be, wishful thinking sure, but one day maybe i can be someone i want to be, and i wont have to worry about being somebody i and everyone hate. one day i was in love and the second i was gone. ---
August 11th
been doubting what i feel, dont know if its real or if its something i'm making up. i dont understand, maybe its because things have been ok lately but its really making me second guess myself. am i really this person? or is it something i am pretending to be? i have no idea and its freaking me out. i actually feel like i am about to cry and i have no idea why. lately its so hard to tell dreams from reality already but now i dont even know if my personality is real. what if none of this is real and everyone is just putting up with me? i dont understand, why is this happening now?. ---
August 9th
last night, i had a dream. it wasn't terrifying like every other one. this one was different. i can't describe how i felt when i woke up, closest is probably sad that it wasn't real. a dream where someone loved and trusted me. sometimes i wish that reality was different and that i was a better person that someone could love, but it isn't. never has, never is and never will be. that dream reminded me of how happy i was last year, or whatever illusion of happiness i had. things are different now. because of that i am a different person, if i'm better or worse that's for you to decide. ---
August 5th
one day i hope to wake up and i wont be on this earth anymore. when will that day come? don't know. theres this feeling deep inside my bones that i likely wont last to see 2024. is that worrying? not really. i accomplished pretty much everything i wanted to, had some good times, but the bad ones outweigh the good. it's better off for me, and everyone who knows me that i go to my haven and stay there. my haven, a place of refuge, where i can lay on a sunny grassy knoll in the middle of a forest while colonies plays on loop. at peace, free from this world of pain and hurt and everything that ruins me. ive been having thoughts about the savior recently and what i could do to save myself, but those are all baseless fantasies. four people followed me in the last day. not sure why, i'm not interesting, i'm just trying to stick around. my brain should shut the fuck up, what i think and dream ruins me. i only sleep until i am so exhausted i cannot physically stay awake, and even then i wake up at the same time every day regardless. my dreams are terrifying, i'm terrified of sleeping. ---
August 2nd
open your eyes and maybe youll realize what once was, what could have been, and wont ever be. 11/14 is kicking me back and forth, buying a 20g is way way easier to reach, sure getting to A51 would be harder but who gives a fuck! trying to stay stable but my thoughts are slipping and getting worse. i was convinced about two weeks ago that i should go to the hospital and fix this but my personality voided that and last week was the closest that ive been since the actual 11/14. i didnt do bad but i did my fair share of research but was only held back because my paycheck was late. is it too late? perhaps, but i'm gonna keep pushing until i snap. life is in the background while i try to keep going up and down and up and down until the reaper gets ahold of me. i am not real. nothing i do has consequences and nothing matters. its all just against me and im going to stop them. god, i'm one fucked up kid. ---
July 24th
ive lost about 10 pounds since this last post. i get more and more dizzy but i dont care one bit because it just means i'm lovelier. im bottling everything in because i dont want to bother anyone. I bought a new laptop with my friend a few weeks ago that I dont have to care much about which has been nice. i know its been a while but i feel like either nothing has changed or i have nothing to talk about. ---
July 2nd
feeling more and more unstable as of late. nothing is feeling real and everything just feels like its fake. absorbed thinking about things i dont want to and what i would do and the smells and the temps and just everything and its overwhelming. believe me, i really really dont want this to happen but one day those thoughts will overtake me and ill end up in 80462. that makes two of us which is unfortunate but im trying so hard to just stay stable. just keep getting super nervous and i cant particularly handle being by myself before psyching myself out and going crazy. im hoping that i can just hang on enough to where something will be fixed but that wont happen. i had my heart ripped out by two games i bought off steam summer sale (emily is away 3 / life is strange 1 & before the storm) and theyre not helping me. we're going back to 2020 and i dont want it to happen, i don't. but i can't help but think. i don't fuck with you. there is little to no faith left in this world and the only thing left is me leaving to make my own haven where i can be free. i dont fucking care if you give a shit bout me at all you little bitch thats cool with me! ---
June 27th
with the experience i've had this morning i find it kind of ironic. i had this constant yearning for the savior and this morning i had another opportunity to talk to them. i thought i missed them and all that soppy shit but now im sitting here after talking for about 45 minutes and i feel absolutely nothing. maybe it would be this huge thing that would turnabout the change to fix me but it didn't. i guess i hyped everything up too much because i feel absolutely nothing. i guess maybe its time to find a new savior because even with that yearning i think you and i both know that itll never happen again and even if it did id just be faking my feelings. after everything that happened to me i no longer feel any love. sure, i had a "want" for it, but in the moment i realize i have none. ---
June 19th
i feel like i'm losing my mind. everything i see i relate to the savior and i would do anything in my power just to fix everything. i always used to bullshit myself out of whatever i was in. i'm great at lying and putting on a performance to get what i want. toxic i know, but it's the only way i can keep myself. this world over the last week hasn't felt real. nothing has any purpose and reality is just an illusion. the only things that feel real now are dreams. about 20 days ago i said that i had a hard time distinguishing them from reality but now they are my reality. they feel real, something that everything else does not. i am meaningless and that the loss of me wont have any consequences on anyone else. nobody really cares to begin with, we don't have to lie about that. i just wish with every bone in my body that it could go back to how it was, when i felt something other than nothingness. a time where i was happy, but i don't know in hindsight if that was me faking it to feel better. i'm a noone and thats what they told me. maybe one day they'll notice. today is not that day. i want to scream. ---
June 8th
over the past say week or so all of my energy continues to just bleed out of me. this ends up with me being so exhausted that i physically can not take any more. ended up getting a new job which is fine however the amount of time i have to get inside of my own head is driving me towards freedom. trying to distract myself with shows works however most of the ones i can watch just remind me of the savior. i cant barely ever watch anything new because i get so anxious while watching that i cannot stand them. ive just been watching crime documentaries about cases i personally know because i know what happens. feeling so sick and i know its not because i'm lovely, because im up five which i despise. no longer feel safe in my room which was supposed to be my haven, feels like im always being watched at all times by those against me. the police, the people i wish i could just beat. i am not as violent as i used to be however with being this sick and permanately exhausted the thought of 11/14 is constantly there. however its funny that i consistently just keep saying i dont know how much i can handle, because its true. i don't. i just keep pushing myself to be able to stay together until i lose it. i have been told to beware of the water, a warning i previously didn't recognize as i was stuck drowning under them. missed the warning entirely. it's too late for that now. ---
June 2nd
its getting harder and harder to keep control of myself. the only thing i can do is just keep saying "youre okay" when i feel anxious. i keep feeling things that arent there. i feel like i am being watched constantly under scrutiny and that people are stalking me. ive been watching shows that used to make me anxious and i can actually stand them but the immense pressure my chest feels is overwhelming. my drive to be lovely really isn't there anymore and that scares me. i scare myself. nothing feels real and that nothing is making me scared. i'm scared ill do something to feel something that i will regret. it's just scary to me. everything i have done up to now is a blur and it's hard for me to remember yet also hard for me to be present in the moment. constantly stuck in my own head fighting a war against myself. i wish the savior was here. know that they were destroyed alike me however it was not my fault. that was live to partys fault. i wish that i could just fix everything like i always used to. i always bullshit my way out of whatthefuckever and when it comes to something thats make or break my life, i just can't do it. can't push my way out like i always have. i'm scared of myself. i'm scared because i can't feel anything. nothing feels real. im thinking things that i really shouldn't. 11/14 is back. i want it to stop, but it won't. the other problem is that i'm so used to anxiety that i sort of don't want it to leave because i don't know who i'll become without it. i'm questioning everything of reality because i don't feel real. i'm not a normal person. i used to dread asylums but i feel like thats the only safe space that can fix me. we tried so hard but i won't win this war. FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK JUST STOP ---
May 31st
everythings been pushing on me lately. there's too many questions and people are really starting to get on my nerves. i hate my job and every time i go there i feel so shitty that its almost absurd. im hoping that my one friend left might have an opening where he works but i can only hope, well see i guess. i dont think i can handle much more of my current job as every time i go there i end up feeling like shit. that will also nix my extra money supply as i sell things i steal from work for money but i dont care. that extra money is not worth making me feel like shit all the fucking time. i knew that leaving high school would make me incredibly unstable and i was complately right. im anxious getting anxious(er?) and it gets worse every day. some days i start shaking and it takes a few hrs to stop. in other news lately ive been having a really hard time distinguishing dreams from reality. theyve never felt this real. they also continue to involve my teeth getting knocked out, which is just stellar. thats the update for now, see you hopefully when im stable(r).
you know, it's funny. i was supposed to be 4,801 miles away and happy right now. i'm not. and i know exactly why, and who to thank. ---
May 22nd
ive noticed that a lot of people who i considered to be my friends are just fake. theyre having a get-together today and i look on snapmaps and everyones there and nobody asked if i wanted to go. fuck them though. im perfectly content being by myself even if i'm a risk to myself when i am. i still have one maybe two friends who i am actually friends with and who i think care about me, because none of the other ones cared to, well, ask if i wanted to go? it's kinda funny when you think about it. lately ive been thinking about blowing everything apart and i've been pretty stuck on that idea. not to mention my drivers license is going to be suspended so its not like i can do that to begin with. just a thought, but god it needs to happen so bad. i shouldnt keep spiraling down like this but its all that will happen. ive tried my damnedest to fix everything but nothing works and now i'm here clinging on to whatever there is left. oh, and i'm graduated now, so i'm free to go insane. ---
May 14th
pretty sure i'm close to arriving at my breaking point. i feel anxious 24/7 and nothing is helping. everything is getting worse and i don't know if i can handle one more thing going on. might be strong but everyone has a point where they just can't take it anymore. fighting so hard, day and night, to just survive. but with what i feel i don't know if i can handle much more of it. the reprise that just thirty seconds can fix everything is really, really tempting. i really don't want to go the way of 11/14 but at the same time its the only way that i see that everything will be taken care of. i'm floating now, surrounded by the void, yet weak as i'll ever be. power is rushing through me with the realization that i can fix everything! but i wont let that power go to my head. i will control everything as long as i can, until i just cant hold it anymore. done being stuck in my head all day every day, pleading for happiness, when all i get is this downward spiral i can't control. i've tried all i can and one of these days my hand is going to be forced. pleading every day that i could just return to you, i know that won't happen, but it won't stop. it just plays over and over and over and i just can't take it anymore. wishing that i hadn't've been such a moron is really driving everything now. leaving this life behind and embarking on a roadtrip as a runaway is very tempting, or just finishing everything. i'm so close to being done with school, i just need to hold out a week, but i'm running out. when school is over the only way i was grounded will be gone and i'll go off the deep end. please, i just want everything to be okay. but it won't. please help me. ---
May 4th
i like to think that all my life has been reduced to is me sitting crosslegged while my forest haven burns down around me. i feel nothing towards anything and barely can carry any emotion. all thats left the calm, calculated burning of my identity. in truth, nothing i say or do is worthwhile in the end. fake friends, an endless list of anxiety inducing bullshit. today i'm going to get drunk n bad and try to steer clear of 11/14. look at me, with everything spiraling down in a ball of flames, what fucks do i have left to give? none. i'm trying to keep calm and stay under control but i feel one of these days i'll finally snap and everything will go off the rails which is what i desperately don't want to happen. i'm lucky to have made it this far, because i wasn't expecting to last until the end of april. for now, my insides are in a never ending war with themselves, trying to keep everything sane as long as it can. wish me luck. you did this. now you need to suffer the consequences. ---
Apr 25th
lately been thinking about who i used to be. i used to be so hateful and edgy and i had nothing but mental illness to back it up. if me now and me two years ago square off in a fight i would win despite how edgy i was then. looking back on it now i feel bad for myself because if it wasnt for that i wouldnt have gotten some of the help i needed. on the other hand, it also brought me to this whole other world devoid of hate, instead leaving me alone, empty and sad. the only hate i have now is revenge and even then its nothing. it's kind of like that danny phantom episode where vlad tears danny apart. my hate was torn from my anxiety and thrown into the depths of hell with my savior. i clawed my way out and vowed my revenge. now i'm here, trying to just survive every day when i have no motivation and no feeling. i feel nothing. full cycle from november. ---
Apr 24th
i'm sick, not like well you know but sick. ive been in bed for 21 hours and i cant stay stood up. i tried to sleep with the thought i was safe keeping me calm. i'm not safe though, i'm never safe, not here, not anywhere. privacy doesnt exist and im not free. being lovely has been put on a backburner. i like to think that i might be getting better when i'm not. i'm not as incoherent as ive been the last few months but mentally im worse. sure i make sense but that sense is scary, even to me. i just feel gross. i just feel like some greasy fuck even though i showered no more than 12 hours ago. i need to be lovely. i need to be perfect. god. i miss early 2021, then, i was free. now, i'm just me, and that scares me. ---
Apr 22nd
11/14 has been controlling me a lot lately. ive been trying to fight from its reach but i think its winning. ive had some fun shit going on since i last spoke to you, went to two concerts and also went to prom. they were fun, dont get me wrong, but i just didn't and still dont feel like myself. i'm not sure what i can do about this because its just this unclimbable wall im stuck behind. ive been trying to find ways to keep myself from 11/14, like that animal crossing game on the switch but while im at work, like right now, i just feel empty. being trapped in this world is really getting to me. i want to sink into the clouds of cherry. ---
Apr 9th
despite all preconceived notion, my savior, unexplicitly returned. what was spiraling down into the empty void of space has somewhat recovered for now. panic attacks are becoming more frequent but i dont particularly care. i spent three hours today reliving 2021 which was nerve wracking yet intuitive. i patiently await, however, the moment. as of right now i dont understand whats going on. i found a vape pen three days ago and its been helping me. yesterday, bad happened but despite that i will continue to fight on. i dont know as of right now what my future may or will bring, but i continue to latch onto the hope that it will be longer than i thought prior. ---
Apr 3rd
i forgot to mention last time that i'd turn 18 while i was in new york. i'm home now and i'm 18. however. that just draws me closer to 11/14. i thought about it constantly on the way home because the plane would play the same role then as it did now. planes draw me back to my savior. august and october and all of the pain and suffering i felt on behalf of the savior. despite that i put one in seventh up seventeenth over, which could help. meds have been gone since vegas and stability is losing itself. someday i fear what i predicted and planned will come true and ultimately will lead to everlasting floating darkness. uncertain whether 11/14 is the best option however with secondary ed on the horizon and the worry and pain. next few months if they pass will lead to an unbearable world which is why 11/14 seems to be a good idea for this month. im gonna have to decide in a week or two or else ill be too late. understand that it would bring collateral to other aspects but it shouldnt matter because i choose whats best for me. collateral is the only thing currently worrying. i need to get over that unregulated anxiety. need the savior to make its third return before its too late, but i fear it already is. it was obvious but i feel like it wasn't seen. if it was, your loss. should the savior inexplicably come across it, contact me. maybe you can fix this before i do. heavenfaced is waiting. ---
Mar 27th
today i leave for nyc. i'm still stuck in this same place of mind i was in during the last week, i wrote up 11/14 part 2 but the savior wont be back to stop this time. i havent taken my meds since i got back from vegas so im in my "normal" state i guess. im considering bringing my meds with me but i dont think i will. in other words, plan lovely has been going well, i'm finally sub2 which is great, my initial plan in the first place. my savior is hiding what i had left from me, and now i just have to cling on until that decision is reversed. if youre reading this, which i doubt you are, come on. i keep getting these violently painful headaches and i dont know how much more of them i can handle. im considering getting drunk before i get on the plane but its a redeye and im only 18 so i dont think itll be the best idea considering everything. i got caught drinking a beer last week but that was fine because i'm good at manipulating my way out of situations that threaten me. oh well, cant say i didnt try to be better, but now i feel like im going crazy. ---
Mar 20th
greetings from las vegas, it seems i was wrong. that high that i ended up having about two weeks ago has died down and i lost whatever good i had left, now i'm back to me. been thinking about 11/14 a lot lately, im still struggling with the decision though. honestly, i'm trying, i really am, but the sun is going down in the mountains. its taking me back. ive got all the means, but making that decision may be one of if not the hardest decisions i'll ever make. i visited colleges last wednesday and it kinda sent me back in the first place. its so daunting, horrifying. having been stuck in the past the last few days, back when the original 11/14 was deleted, but grasping onto that past has had me delve back into this hell. i tried to make it obvious so the savior could come back and repeat it, but it seems my efforts, were in vain. it is my hope that one day they'll come around and realize how shitty of a situation they're in. for now, i just have to keep going, clinging onto the eroding hope i had of seeing them again. ---
Mar 12th
Hi. I'm not dead, lol. I've actually had a pretty nice month other than having the shittiest week last week. I guess maybe i'm finally coming around? I felt really crazy the last few months but now, honestly, i feel fine. Not bad, not great, just fine. Sometimes I still think about good old 11/14 and i dont know what'll come of that but i guess we'll see when we get to it. I'm going to new york and las vegas at the end of this month which is something i'm very much looking forward to. Maybe i finally 'fixed' whatever was wrong up there, because i honestly have felt the best i've felt in a long while. However, that doesnt include work because i still feel like shit there and i've lost like 50-60 pounds but that's fine lol. i actually feel good about how i look for once. my friend got me on his spotify family account late last month which has been very nice as i dont have to download all my shit manually. i guess that's the update, been hanging out w friends more, just feel free, actually free. ps, finally got beer n wine n vodka n shit, best stuff ever. ---
Feb 14th
i'm really trying, believe me, but honestly, im just about done. i feel so worthless to everyone and everything i thought mattered. in the grand scheme of things, should i leave, nobody really would care. those who do would get over it quick. i just want to get out of here. god, i dont know what to do. im too awkward to ever approach new people and i hate myself for it. i hate myself so much. i'm so awkward and ugly and just a bad person to be around. my stomach is tied in knots and my brain is driving me crazy. i just keep thinking of jumping off the dam by my house. i dont have much of a point in being here anymore. what do i have left to lose should i end it all? ---
Jan 18th
dunno how to feel anymore. at times i feel ok but most of the time i just feel nothing. i know thats what i wished for at first, but now it just hurts. i keep having these deep irrational thoughts that keep making everything worse. not to mention, keep getting these really bad headaches like i used to have in the later half of last year. my mom said i should go get an mri but i dont really want to because im scared of it. lately, just been wanting to be free, free from school, work, life. i just want my dream world. for me, that is a world where everyone has disappeared but me, and i'm left to roam as i wish. i know i shouldnt dream about something that wont happen, but i see no way out of this. ---
Jan 10th
the seasonal depression finally kicked in. not after i got dumped, but after all the abuse that happened in december, but now, in january, when the season is drawing to a close. i feel worthless. i barely sleep anymore because (of them) i'm scared of the dark. ive got accent lights but its still hard for me to sleep. have nightmares of my teeth getting knocked out or being locked in a sanitorium. now i sleep at midnight or 1 am. i feel shitty. i was really confident for a while with how i looked but now im not. been losing weight like the us is gaining national debt but its not enough. cant even look myself in the mirror and be happy w/ it anymore. i keep listening to the same music and it just envelops me. feels like i need an explanation as to why im not okay but i dont have one. ive always been super logical, but this time dont even have a reason. i just want to be happy. being here in this shitty town surrounded by landscape just makes me feel more alone. i already have a ton of screws loose in my head, and not even sure what half of the things are that're wrong... why do i feel so weak when i look so strong, but in reality, im nothing inside. im actually tearing up for the first time in months. why does this have to happen to me? ive tried my best and its not ever good enough. i just want to be happy. is that so much to ask? ---
Jan 5th
welcome to this new year. no, dont fuckin say it, it's not a happy new year, because i personally dont have a reason to be happy. i tried to be nice and i tried to help but nothing is ever good enough for anyone. nobody listens to a god damn thing i say and when im high it gets so god damn frustrating. my friend got a weed pen the other day so ive taken a bunch of that at night and while it helps with anxiety this built up rage shines through. i keep having these really disturbing dreams and thoughts. i wont say anything here, because they're thoughts, not things ill do. i feel like im going crazy. im going solo. i dont really have anyone there and its killing me. oh well, maybe i'll kill me before it does. school started today. i have to get my schedule fixed. im dreading these last months. college is right around the corner and its flipping me the fuck out. i keep thinking about destroying myself. every day, tons of ways, the cycle will always repeat itself. i dont know man, i'm trying, but i think im losing this battle once again. i just keep thinking of 11/14/20. that was a rollercoaster of the day and it ended with solice. now, i'm mad. i want what was taken back. ---
Dec 29th
here i lay at 12:44 am. dont feel anything anymore. dont feel hurt, hate, or anything, i feel numb. finally. had a rough last week or so. just been getting worse mentally. been playing shooters like doom, rdr2 and gta, realized without school i really have no way to keep myself mentally grounded and end up in this everlasting cycle of self deprivation and hatred that spins and spins. spent a lot of the last week worrying about the past and what could have been i should have been better. not sure how much more i can take of everything. its driving me mad. anxiety is taking hold and a lot of the time i get stuck in this mental state thats scary, even to me. honestly feel like im going insane. my thoughts are getting more scattered and lost and im having a hard time staying above water. tried talking to friends, but tbh, only have one friend left who i think i can really be open with. the other, well, will just call me a "dumb cunt" or something. ive been listening to a lot of deftones, bones, radiohead and a few other rappers lately. that's it. the basslines, beats and lyrics have really been speaking to me. theyre taking me to this plane of existence that is unfathomable to me. a melancholic, empty space that i can truly be free in. just wish i could trancend this physical form to move there too. music has once again become my mental refuge. the physical refuge i had drowned itself in a river of whiskey despite not heeding my warnings. one day i will make music my physical too. i dont want to fight anymore, battle is over. for now, i must survive, persevere, and follow my only way to get out of this mess. before i go, here's some lyrics from teenager by deftones. the somber beat and lyrics have been making me float away. "i climbed your arms, then you pulled away, a new cavity moved into my heart today, the more she sings, the more it seems, now i'm, now i'm through, with the new you." ---
Dec 21st
this last few days have been pretty interesting. personally, ive been stuck in this limbo hoping that i lived in the 90s. feel like i would have thrived then with such primitive internet and websites. at the same time, here i sit hoping it'll come back. i read through the two notes to me just before the second time and it made me cry. i dont harbor any anger anymore. just sadness. just what it could have been. was foolish of me to have taken that for granted and i would do anything now to go back and fix it. but i cant. im stuck in this shitty present day, hoping hour after hour that itll all go back to normal. but it wont. on sunday i went sledding with my friends and we watched some grand tour and played cards against humanity. my arms and legs got destroyed sledding, but i was still stuck in that limbo hoping itd go back to what it was. yesterday was no different. i went with my friends (who are twins) down to raising canes to try out their chicken and it was good. i did the same thing there, the same thing at the mall we went to after to hang out for hours. the same thing when we went drifting in their cousin's friends' suzuki samurai. i want to move on, but just please listen to me. ive got meds that help me. you said i wouldn't change but i did, i did. you'll probably show this to all your friends and theyll all make fun of me just like they did last time. the point of this haven is for me to get better. just want to stop feeling like this. broken me. tearing me apart. i want to scream and cry. ---
Dec 17th
todays the first day of christmas break. my new car got here wednesday and it needs work. that gives me something to do i guess. i feel so gross all the time. over the last three weeks, ive lost 20 pounds. i know its not healthy to control how much i eat but its what ive got to do to be perfect. getting more and more tired of being in high school. been in high school for three and a half years and tbh not sure how much more i can take of it. had a pretty bad night on the 12th. hope they know they caused it. somehow im incapable of hating them. i just cant. despite everything, everything they did to me, i just cant do it. maybe im too empathetic, or too forgiving, or some other bullshit. i dont know. feel so worthless. just want to be somebody. ---
Dec 11th
theres some days i look you up on all those medias we split from on. perhaps a subconscious hope to get a brief glimpse of what your existence could be like in the present. i feel guilty being in the shadows off the sideline. shouldnt be watching, but i just hope that youre doing better now. some days it really stings to realize the truth. the truth makes me want to do irrational things to myself. believe me, i dont most of the time. its been a month, two weeks and two days. i still think about you all the time. i know you hated me in the end. just hope you know that i got the help i needed. still miss you, maybe i shouldnt after everything you did to me. i know you blamed everything on me, but in truth, while i know i wasnt perfect, you fueled it too. all the lies you told, all the things you said, promises broken. each felt like a rib being broken. dont hold anything against you for that though. just hope you remember, despite everything. i promised. i would always look out for you, and here i am, continuing to keep my promise. ---
Dec 9th
life. albeit hard, is getting somewhat easier. with the use of my drugs (theanine, b6 and edibles) ive managed to get into a place thats controllable. problem is that now i cant sleep. ever. used to have to have it pitch black to sleep and now i cant sleep hardly at all, albeit with lights on. i know what caused this. trying my damned hardest to be who i want. gonna do things i have to to get my way. every night when i cant sleep ill be listening to radiohead, deftones, nin or smashing pumpkins and ill just sit there until that anxietal urge and worry comes back and then, only then will sleep be achieved. however. once that starts its all i can dream about. sleep used to be a refuge for me but its just a warzone i have to fight in like everything else. that ruined everything for me. hope they know. dont hold them accountable for their actions. forgiveness is something ive had to hate to use. now i have to. part of me feels like im getting better, and thats good, but at the same time those feelings of insecurity, worry and doubt cheerfully rush over me. music was my refuge and its becoming one yet again. im trying to run from the darkness but the darkness just seems to get closer. you look at me now. look what you tried to make me become. im standing here king of your trials. im the man of war and you wont stop me. i hope you read these. miss you. ---
Dec 4th
welcome to december. the month of snow and ho-ho-holy fuck i dont want to be here anymore. high school is killing me. thats not a euphemism. it's killing me. i want to be alone and i want to be free. my head wont stop pounding. the thoughts make me want to destroy myself. sometimes i find solace in thinking i wont have to worry when im gone. want to float in a dark place that will finally allow me to breathe. my life doesnt mean shit to me. this toxic brain sludge of thoughts and emotions continues to mix into a force i wont be able to stop. trying so goddamn hard to be better but i cant when your voice echoes in my head. when im with friends i feel okay, but when im alone i feel like a risk. i know that you hear me. you dont mind and i dont mind at all. stop. want to scream out but i know i wont be heard. im never heard. nobody ever listens to a thing i say. they all act like im some fucking idiot but im not. i matter but nobody thinks i do including me. for once in my life i thought i mattered and that was a lie. lies lies lies. its always a lie. its always some slight of hand thats just there because people want to fuck with me. to them? i dont matter. i see the things you dont see. i breathe the air that you don't breathe. i bleed the blood that you dont bleed. its all against me. why would i want you to care about me. ---
Nov 30th
the urge is back. im trying to distract from it but the urge is controlling me. the urge is making me want to go red. i know i shouldnt but i really really want to. im not anxious anymore. just numb. i dont feel anything. and i know exactly why. this ship is sinking and no matter what i do to save it it will go down. things i try dont seem to help me feel better. i dont feel sad, but now i feel nothing. i wish i had someone to love me. i know nobody wants to. and i get that. im a fuckin mess. my emotions are off the walls and im unpredictable. im just so goddamned lonely. i barely ever have free time and when i do i dont do anything. i have five or six good friends tops. i know theyre faking being friends with me out of pity. who would genuinely care. some days i want to just run away, go to a friends house across the country and live there for a while. i want to run away from all my problems but i know theyll just follow me like porn bots on twitter. no matter how hard you try they always come back. i want to scream but i know nobody will hear it. fuck. ---
Nov 29th
drugs are amazing. the edibles arrived earlier and had two when i knew my anxiety was going to start and while im not sure if im high i know its helping. sort of anxious but the feeling of anxiousness isnt really there if you know what i mean. its like its been minimized or something and it feels so fucking good. i mentally dont feel anxious but physically really only feel it in my chest. i played through the entire campaign of halo reach in one sitting somehow and i actually feel kind of okay. tomorrow i have another therapy session but i dont think im gonna bring up the fact i got edibles because im sure that could get me in trouble. honestly, for fourty dollars id say that was worth it just to not feel anxious once, but i can last two months if i take two every day. i think im set. hopefully this high sticks around for a while. i dont want to become an addict but it feels so good to not feel anxious for one god damn second of my life. feels so good that i might legit start just breaking down and crying. it feels that good. i just wish they could see me now. you were wrong. ---
Nov 26th
i dont know how much more i can take. my anxiety is getting worse and im getting more and more paranoid with everything. my chest feels like its being pressed down so hard that its hard to breathe. i dont know what to do. i have to try to make it until monday but i really really dont know how much more of this im gonna be able to handle. i thought the medication would help but it doesnt seem to do anything later in the day. this has happened three times and its seriously making everything worse. its making me want to do things i shouldnt and i know i shouldnt but i just get this urge. i want this all to go away. why cant i be normal? god, i want all of this to stop, everything needs to stop now. i cant handle much more of it and this anxiety is making me feel crazy. im trying to play games and watch hulu to distract myself but i dont know how much longer thats gonna contain me. music used to be my refuge and now i can barely listen to it before the thoughts come in harder and harder after i try to push them out. im having a war with my brain and i think its winning. ps. slowdive is amazing. pps. i just ordered edibles so hopefully those help with this. ---
Nov 25th
today is thanksgiving. i dont feel like i have anything left to be thankful for. i dont have anything left worth living for. yesterday was rough. ive been awake for almost four hours. i think after what happened yesterday im finally moving on. i know the truth and dwelling in the past wont keep me there. the molecules in my body want to break down and fall apart yet im somehow keeping them together. i hate living here. i want someone to love me but i feel like everyone at my school isnt my type. im not some fucking incel. i had a girlfriend. im just lonely. im not some narcissistic bitch or some creepy person. sure i have flaws but getting dumped broke those and a lot of them are gone. the spirituality of my life is fleeting. i feel like i have no soul. im just some hollow corpse floating through life. ive been thinking more and more about ending everything. i dont feel like i have anything left. look at me. im a mess. no wonder everyone hates me. including myself. ---
Nov 21st
work is driving me insane. they hired their cousin who just acts like a bitch and i hardly ever want to be at work because of all the negativeness that comes from it. i think about the past. i get made fun of a ton. i cant handle being made fun of anymore. i get told what to do. i dont know if ill be able to handle it much longer. i fucking try and trying is never good enough. im never good enough for anyone. i keep getting a stronger and stronger feeling that there is nothing left to lose. theres nothing left to try. i feel like my great escape from this shit will be college but even that feels like its not gonna happen. i feel trapped and i can feel the energy leading up to a self-implosion. saturday night was almost that. i went to that dance. it was fun. but that whole day before had been a real disaster. i had a huge anxiety attack and got out of work early. i was planning to od that night but i didnt and i think that dance is what saved me. afterwards i went and sat on the edge of a bridge for a while. im not sure whats gonna become of me but im scared of it. i feel like my life is over but i dont want it to be, but i feel like ive got no choice but to give it a finite ending. ---
Nov 18th
looking back on my existence i realize what a fool i have been to have been so naive regarding everything. nobody does anything out of the kindness of their heart. they use you. theyll take whats important to you and will hold you hostage against your mind. its everyone for themselves in this hellish landscape. here i am thinking about the deep shit ive gotten myself into. none of this wouldve happened if i could have just shut the fuck up and not said a word i was thinking, but noooo. i just have to open my mouth and when i open my mouth i ruin everything. its always been like that. its always my god damn fault. you cant say its not cus it is. the universe has been fighting its battle against me since day one and i am getting reeeeallly tired of it. everyone is always against me. who cares about me when people can always be going out of their way to being the sourest assholes they can. i was wrong to think that people would actually try to help me. i want alcohol. i want to take all the problems inside me and drown them out with the most vile liquid i can take. it blows im not old enough, and im smart enough to know ill likely get hooked on that shit if i take it but goddammit i want to feel good for once. every time i start feeling okay about myself some jackass comes around and just knocks me back down. now ive found myself in trouble because i dont listen to assholes. i feel my mental state lowering and lowering as we go on. the only way i feel good about myself is to eat only one meal a day. ive been doing this for weeks ever since she left me. im not good enough. im not good looking enough and i can change that. i want control. im losing motivation to stay alive. i feel broken. i dont know what im gonna become. ---
Nov 16th
i just wanted to tell you i still love you. ---
Nov 15th
i havent really felt anything the last few days. i just feel worthless and hopeless. at least i look fashionable..my clothes arrived sometime last week, and they actually look kinda good on me. i dont know if anyone else likes it but i do so it shouldnt matter but for some reason it means the world to me how others see me. i want people to like me, and i want someone to love me. yet i want people to be intimidated and almost scared of me. its a fine line to balance and i dont think im doing that great at it. the last few days have been pretty shitty. i sort of want to take a break from social media, well not a complete break but stop posting shit, stop liking shit and just leave it. i feel like it might make me a better person. or at least i hope so. i wish i couldnt feel anything at all and just be numb all of the time but most of the time i just feel sad. i feel like im done for. sometimes i really think thats gonna happen. i still cant even imagine the future, nonetheless think about it because of how overwhelming it gets for me. i think i cant think about it because of all the gaslighting ive endured thus far. ive been manipulated into the future that everyone 'wants' for me but its not what i want. now im stuck in this state where i feel like i have no future. i really hope that isnt the case but on the other hand i can clearly imagine myself taking it. god, im such a mess. i wish people accepted me, not people in school but people at home. i wish i could be me. i cant wait to turn 18 so i can get antidepressants and antianxiety meds. i need to fix myself before its too late. ---
Nov 11th
i feel like im going crazy. i cant see myself in the mirror anymore. its just a fake version of me. the version that everyone wants to see. i feel bad people have to put up with me. i know i dont have motivation at work yet they work with me anyway. im a miserable kid to be around and im surprised at least some ppl like me. sometimes i feel like im not me and that someone else is controlling me. my mind is clear yet my thoughts are dark and i cant control them. one of my friends seems to be kind of relating with me now. hes gone antireligion like i did and its kinda nice to have someone to talk to. i need to stop impulse buying but i cant. its like theapy for me, or at least it feels like it is. i have to have things i want. when i had one of my last breakdowns i bought 120$ worth of shit and ive bought two shirts for 40$ in the last two days. i need to stop. i keep shaking and i cant control it and its infuriating me. i get worried people at school will notice when i shake and i dont want them to. i just want to blend in. i dont want to be special. i dont want to stand out. i just want to be normal. im nothing but. i know my therapist has said its normal to feel what i do but i dont think its normal to this degree. it makes me who i am. anxiety makes me me. even though i hate me its something i have to deal with. i feel like a lot of people hate me, dont worry guys, i hate me too. ---
Nov 9th
its insane to think that i am me now. its been such a rollercoaster and now im back where i started. theres no vengeance anymore. its just sadness. i dont feel good ever. i felt okay from saturday to monday but today i had work and it took everything right back out of me. i feel like a part of me is gone, and i wont be able to find it. i keep worrying about the future or lack thereof. i cant see it happening. im afraid ill just go out doing something i cannot fathom. this lifetime started well but sank rapidly about two years ago. i have little friends, dont look good, have a godawful voice and barely can keep myself doing my tasks. it gets worse at night. it always does. the thoughts blur and become a congealed screaming blob. i cant think straight at night. thats what scares me. i dont want to go, but yet i want to go so bad. i dont know what happened to me, but i hate it. i just feel like a shell of myself. a hollow being that doesnt belong in this existence. i just keep thinking about what i used to be. what i used to want to do. sometimes i still want to. i know i won't. but its just this empty feeling that correlates to nothing in the real world. its all in my head. its so damn hard to put what i feel into words. i dont know how to phrase how i feel. i feel like everything is closing in on me when in reality its getting further and further away. but i worry that nothing i feel is real. its all imagined. god, i psyche myself out so hard. i just dont want to live like this anymore. i feel like people at school are afraid of me. i'm intimidating, and i kind of want to be scary. i want to be respected yet feared. maybe its my conciousness on autopilot. i just feel like an outcast. nobody hardly talks to me. i spend little to no time at school. my feelings contradict so hard sometimes and it drives me crazy. i want to blow those thoughts out. if i have to do it i will. i want everything to go away. i feel like i can go on for pages just babbling and rambling incoherently but ill save your time and cut it short here. ---
Nov 7th
my largest project has started. a full scale replica for me to play in. it'll be done next week. thanks chill. all i can think about revolves around it. the power, the backstory, the leverage, everything. it makes me want to start a story, a fairytale if you might. i have one, but it's just a flashback. i want something real. i want something that will make me feel. and yet i'm alone by myself. sometimes i talk to others but thats rare. its hard to have a crush on someone whose both mia and hates your guts. i wonder if she thinks about me anymore. its been what feels like a lifetime. i went from being whatever i was then to fine to what i am now. and what am i? i dont know. i don't know. i dont know what i can do, what im capable of. that terrifies me. i just want peace. i want to be surrounded by leaves, next to a tree on a crisp autumn day. that's where i want to be. i dont know what to do about the future. i worry it'll overtake me and i'll end up somewhere i dont want to be, doing something i dont want to do. i don't want to go crazy, but i dont see a future for myself. there's nothing after high school. i dont see myself ever getting free from my chains. out of everyone i could have been, why did i have to be me? ---
Nov 4th
today i got asked to a school dance. its a girl that i share two classes with. thats never happened before. i havent been to a school dance ever, and im a senior. i hope it goes well. a breakup destroyed me so anything will help. ---
Nov 3rd
my subconscious is spinning and its taken me along with it. spiraling thoughts. they all rewind back to november 14th 2020. every second of that night. it was cold. i was cold. i'm alone. now. i was took up and abandoned by the light. the light is what shone on me for nine months. each time i'm asked what's wrong i say nothing. why would i want you to care about me. nobody gives a rats ass. i thought they did for a brief moment but i ruined it. i know i ruined it and no lie will keep from the truth i'm trying to fix it. tomorrow is yet another existence that allows me to try to get better. part of me hopes it doesn't. crashing down in april is what i keep thinking of even if i don't want to. trapped in a cell. trapped in my brain. such rambling thoughts are one of a disturbed mind. i didn't ask for this, but this is what i got anyway. i dont want to grow up. the bits i have left will be torn from my grasp. launching me into a spiral that im afraid will ruin me. i dont believe in a god or a being. i just want peace. i cant stick one cohesive thought together. my brain just mushes it all into a mass that i cant handle. i look back and wonder what happened to me? i dont know. i dont want to be alone anymore. i want a friend. i want someone to talk to. guess thats what this is. my nose is bleeding. ---
Nov 1st
nothing. i feel nothing. all im left with is nothing. every second. every hour. every day. every week. it's been a week. being alone is so lonely. being alone is so draining. god, i hate being me. having someone break up with you only to get together with someone you subconsciously thought they were cheating on you with is heartbreaking. i know it had to happen, but now i don't know what to do. that's why i'm here now. i don't know what to do. i can't make friends. the ones i used to have graciously took me back. but i just don't think i can love someone as much as i did, and i know nobody will love me back. what's even the point in trying? i just feel like a failure. i want to buy clothes but i'm going back n forth on it. ...and i just bought 120$ worth of clothes. they get here on the 19th. let's go. ---
come, let's watch the rain as it's falling down
sunlight on your skin when i'm not around
shit don't feel the same when you're out of town
